Kids hit. They lie. They fight and push back. Siblings argue. They refuse to do what we ask. These 'bad' behaviors are both awful and OK.
Just yesterday I was walking and overheard kids yelling at each other, screaming, "No! It's MY turn!" Then thwack! one girl hit the other. Crying. The other one swearing.
The Mom runs out yelling, "Don't you hit her! Don't you swear!! Go to your room!! NOW!"
The Mom was obviously feeling embarrassed. Mortified by her daughters 'bad' behavior. She probably felt ashamed too that she couldn't control her daughter, especially with someone walking by watching.
You can imagine the daughter in her room crying, alone. Maybe angry at the way this time with her friend had turned out so terribly. She too felt ashamed. She was bad.
We've all been there.
Where parents I work with get stuck is believing that this is a problem and it's their job to fix it. Or that there is something wrong with their kid. (Their brother doesn't ack this way. The neighbor kid isn't having screaming fits like mine does.)
Have you ever had that thought?
My gift is empowering Moms (and Dads) who are feeling frustrated, stuck and discouraged to shift away from these old unskillful, disapproving ways that lead to arguing & yelling or feeling ashamed.
What's possible? To learn new skills during moments of awful behavior that will connect you with your child instead.
How can you shift? You do this in the first of the 5 Steps to Connect: Meet yourself and your child in this hard moment to be seen, heard, and accepted.
This was me, I've walked in your shoes; it's not only possible, it helps us grow and model more skillful, compassionate ways of showing up for our kids.
I want you to know step by step what you can do to improve how you interact. You may be only 50% of the dynamic, but surprisingly you can make 100% of a difference. There is hope.
I want to validate for you, probably exactly you if you are receiving this, that these moments ARE hard, ugly, intense, and frustrating.
That's why parenting is one of the biggest, most important jobs we'll ever have. It means there’s huge potential for learning how to S.T.O.P. triggering each other.
The message of hope I have is that when you use the 5 Steps to Connect, relationships do transform. I have 100's of testimonials to back this up.
My relationship with my daughter was this intense. When she was 3 and 5, 7 and 9 years old, we battled; our interactions were awful. We would yell at each other, get into stand-offs, even during family vacations.
I'd get in the trap of comparing her to her sister or other kids, constantly judging her behavior and attitude as bad. I would constantly second-guess myself and wonder what I was doing wrong. Or lament that there must be something wrong with my child.
The good news is to realize that our old patterns and what is on the surface is not the whole story. That we can turn away from our old ways of assigning fault and yelling.
Together, today, you are on a path towards more connection, it’s a new chapter. You get to choose the ending. And you get to decide to make a repair and heal past conflict.
Brené Brown says that blame and yelling is the most familiar way of offloading our own pain, but not the most skillful.
I want you to know that you have the power to transform your family. You can learn to get your needs met, even during these hard, awful moments.
After yelling + telling, you can ground yourself, do the work with a journal, deeply breathe, examine new blooms, and come back into your body so you can be the sturdy Mom your intense, dysregulated child needs. A repair from this centered place can feel magical.
So no matter how hard it is, how defiant your child acts, how many times you yell, I want you to know that you are not alone and there is hope.
Let’s start today.