I am feeling sad this morning. Tears streaming down my face. My chest is heavy. I yearn for comfort and my dog Kona was such a good strategy for that. I miss her.
My 11 year old dog who had cancer went into acute digestion failure and we made the devastating decision to put her down. I'm a mess and not functioning very well as she was all of our emotional support dog, especially over this past brutal year. She met so many needs for me: comfort, fun and play, friendship, companionship, reassurance, purpose, contribution. Also understanding as she gave unconditional love and was an exceptional listener.
Sometimes I'm fine, compartmentalizing and no reminders. Then I'll see her squeaky toy or where she used to lay and a wave of grief crashes over me.
I resist what is. Because what I want is to walk with her pain free body again. I want the cancer tumor the size of a softball to be gone and not obstruct her digestion. I want her to play with me. This is suffering.
So I’m trying to be with my breathe and the pure sadness. The feeling in my chest and throat. Tears. No thoughts.
My thoughts are craving what can a longer be. And that hurts. There’s a part of me that can't be with the fact that she’s gone. I remember all the time we spent walking in the forest, adventuring at the beach or just hanging out, cuddling, playing tug of war. Her greetings were exceptional, her tail-less wiggle of joy to see me again. It's painful knowing I can't have that any more.
Damn, these thoughts of the past and the future. Earlier ones were tormenting me, second-guessing, “Did I do everything I could with her diet? Was it my fault?” THAT is suffering.
I know I loved her with my whole heart and that these are just thoughts.
Knowing SHE is no longer suffering brings me peace.
This came to me during a LifeSaving Listening session. The back and forth struggle between pure grief and thoughts that perpetuate suffering. This writing helps remind me that I get to choose my thoughts and pure sadness heals.
It helps to share and be human together.