Working with Anger
My chest feels tight. I can’t get a deep breath. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest.
I feel resentment. Anger. Righteous.
My daughter just told me that she didn’t want me to use her phone to play a silly game, Hey Day. I saw red. After all I do for her! Don’t I get to play too?! I felt shame which I NEVER want to feel. I was in trouble for playing a stupid game in the morning. I admit it, I am addicted. Making the farm efficient soothes me. And my daughter’s words judging me was hugely triggering.
So how can I work with this pressure on my chest?!? How can I not dump it on the next unsuspecting soul that crosses my path? I already gave my daughter the cold shoulder and lots of other unpleasant non-verbals. Then I told her I was angry (at least I owned it), but then I used the guilt inducing phrase, “really, that's your response after all I do for you?!?” ~ now I feel shame for saying that. What “good” mom would say that?
I’m feeling awful. Tight. Wound up. ANGRY. Only now it is fed and stimulated by the My Health On Line rep who wouldn’t / wasn’t able to help me reset my daughter’s account due to California’s stupid privacy laws. What the hell, really? I can’t get an appointment for my daughter when their system screwed up the ID/PW link?!? Now I want to lay into him about the injustice of the world and unleash my pent up anger all over him. Luckily I stop myself and hang up before I say something I’ll regret (this really has nothing to do with him after all). I want to go eat chocolate chip cookies! I want to unleash on someone! I want to justify my actions and be righteous!
OK, use my tools. Use my tools...