One of the hardest parts of being a parent for me was setting limits. I found the process of creating boundaries/agreements that my child would actually follow to be challenging and exhausting. Partly because I hate conflict and partly because my older daughter would push back and resist everything that wasn't her idea...with an intensity that overwhelmed us both.
The attached 5 Simple Steps to Setting Agreements/Boundaries process supported us tremendously, it created the scaffolding we needed. The magic ingredient to add for success is learning how to be emotionally intelligent when you set them. That was what I had gotten wrong for years that kept us mired in conflict.
My strong willed child needed this structure, but it wasn't in my nature to provide it. Having the process + validating the emotions & unmet needs underneath helped both of us get out of power struggles and understand each other better.Â
Brené Brown says the people who aren't afraid to speak their boundaries
are the happiest, most compassionate, resilient people.Â
Part of making boundary setting successful was learning that it was OK, even beneficial if my children got angry when they got caught breaking an agreement/limit. This was a chance for them to let off steam and release the emotional energy they had stored up throughout the day/week.Â
"Wait, letting them get angry and blow up sounds like what I've been trying to avoid!" You are probably thinking, just like a Mom recently asked me.
I hear you, as that was what I thought too. But I've experienced that you become a pressure cooker if you aren't able to process and release the emotional energy that comes from these repeated conflicts.
This is the key point I got wrong and why we stayed stuck for so long. I needed to learn and eventually model for my daughter how to own, experience and release my emotions. When I did this, I found I could make space for hers. This is a key part of both this limit setting process and my self care practice now.
Be sure to do this essential self care before setting boundaries with a strong willed child.
So after making time for the first three steps of the 5 Simple Steps to Setting Agreements, you get to Step 4: enforcing the boundary when they test it. Ugh! Your least favorite part, right?! Mine too.
This is the messy middle that Brené also spends a lot of time talking about in her work. The part we all want to jump over to get to the resolution. Sad news: I've discovered the hard way that there is no avoiding this uncomfortable emotional part. It is biologically necessary.
So part of this boundary setting process is making time and space for these messy emotions. Not thinking they are a problem, normalizing them as part of the process.
Great news from Jill Bolte Taylor: emotions last 6-90 seconds when not re-stimulated by thoughts. They do end. Yes, not as fast as we'd enjoy. Yes, both my daughter and I had a habit of re-stimulating our anger for hours it seemed with our own thoughts.
So after my daughter had expressed and released her intense emotion, I would go in and make a repair. (email me if you'd like more info about a successful repair process.) I was sure to give her a chance to express how unfair this felt, how hard this was for her and listen to what she was angry and caring about so she felt emotionally safe, seen, loved and accepted.Â
Wow. This made for a very different ending than both of us harboring resentment and staying stuck in our unprocessed anger.
Our interactions became less about her complying and me being in charge, and more about me communicating boundaries clearly as well as accepting her storms of emotion as a normal part of the process.Â
It’s vital to normalize this emotional release + validation process as a healthy way to be together in a family. (send me an email if you want more information on this process.)
I learned not to take her anger personally, as her feelings were about her, not me.
This is not permissive parenting. As Family Director of Health and Safety, your job is to step in and stop if your child's releasing emotion behavior is unsafe or physically directed AT you or their sibling. The goal is for them to release anger at the ground or sky.Â
Lastly, I would remember that once my strong willed child experienced and released big, hard emotions, she would be much more calm and able to own her part in whatever had happened. Especially when I gave her time and space to process and let her nervous system regulate. (Now aged 24, she's told me this was the most important part.)
Over time, she would also be able do what we'd talked about with less resistance. Ahhhh
This was the turning point for us to stop the pattern of arguing and getting stuck in power struggles.Â
For more on this topic of setting boundaries: watch this video where I explain it.
Your turn to practice!
Print off and schedule time for the first step in the 5 Simple Steps to Setting Agreements/Boundaries today.Â
Parent's question:
Parent: Julie A, Houston, TX Hi Allison, thank you! I'm going to have to print the steps to setting agreements/ boundaries and come up with a few for my home. We do have some, but they are not written down, they are just known. One question that came to mind - when you say: you'll need a lot of self care prior to this, what do you mean? I'm thinking you're referring to making sure you're feeling like you've had good sleep, have eaten recently...other thoughts?
Allison Livingston: Great question Julie. I am much more resilient when I've gotten exercise and a bit of 'me' time like meditating for 5 minutes, observing nature or listening to music to release my emotions. Good sleep and food is a plus as well. If possible, give yourself some 'Me' time just before setting or enforcing a limit/agreement. Emotional confrontations of any sort, but especially the intense nature with a strong willed child are draining so the more your tank is full, the better you are able to listen and not react back. This isn't always possible when they erupt in anger, so just give what you've got, which is not always pretty. If you end up yelling or worse, reassure yourself knowing that it is NEVER too late to make a repair and own your part. Connection is the goal and we both matter.
Parent: Alissa Z, Flagstaff AZÂ I love the words resilient here. This is helpful in thinking about 'what are the things I can do for myself that make me more resilient?' GREAT way to look at self care around boundaries, thanks.
Stay tuned for the next post in this series about setting & holding boundaries.
Comentários