I Almost Ruined Thanksgiving: How a Triggered Moment Became a Turning Point
- Allison Livingston
- 3 days ago
- 7 min read
I almost ruined Thanksgiving this year.
There I was, standing in the kitchen sautéing onions for the stuffing—one of my favorite holiday rituals—when my daughter walked in and asked, “Do we have enough butter for the gluten-free apple pie crumble?”
“No,” I said, “but your grandparents are bringing more when they get here in a few hours. We’ll have plenty.”
Her face tightened. “But I need it now. We have to go to the store.”
That familiar intensity flooded into her voice, and instantly, it rose in me too.
I did not want to go to the store—again—with time running short and a long list of things still left to do. Plus efficiency is my middle name and I already had it covered.
But she kept insisting. I dug in. She ramped up. I grew more frustrated.
Suddenly, we were stuck in a full-blown, holiday-morning standoff.
She kept saying, “No, we HAVE to!”
And I kept thinking, Why can’t she just be flexible? Why does she always need it her way? I have a plan!
It was awful.
My Trigger Groove Had Me in a Grip
In that moment, I was completely trapped in my survival mode—what neuroscientist Dan Siegel talks about in his latest work, a temperament trigger groove. My temperament groove is about being capable, in control, and having everything work out perfectly. Performing well.
So when things don't go according to my plan, I get majorly triggered.
Sound familiar?
My stress response had latched on hard. I started blaming her internally for not cooperating, for making everything harder, for not seeing the big picture. Meanwhile, she was stressed too, trying to make something important to her turn out right.
Two nervous systems, revving high, colliding in a kitchen surrounded by half-chopped vegetables.
And this is exactly how an ordinary moment becomes a relationship-damaging moment—fast.
Thank Goodness I Had the Skills
I’m so grateful I coach parents, because the only thing that saved us was that I recognized what was happening and used the 5 Steps to Connect—a framework I teach, and thankfully, at least half the time, remember to use myself.
How to Use Step 1 on Yourself First
(Otherwise the rest of the steps simply won’t work.)
One of the biggest misunderstandings about connection-based parenting is thinking the steps are something we “do” to our kids.
But Step 1 — MEET your child where they are — is impossible unless you are also meeting yourself where you are.
In that Thanksgiving moment, before I could meet my daughter’s stress, I had to feel the truth of my own: the tight shoulders, the buzzing urgency, the frustration rising, pulsing in my chest, the inner story yelling,This is not how today is supposed to go!
Here’s exactly how you use Step 1 internally, so your brain and body can come out of survival mode and regulate into connection mode.
1. Notice Your Body’s “Alarm Bells” Without Fighting Them
Your body speaks first. Always.
Your job is to pay attention to its clues.
Mine said: tight shoulders and jaw, breath held, stomach clenching, tense energy in my chest.
Meeting yourself means acknowledging these sensations instead of powering through, ignoring, or shaming yourself for them.
Try silently saying: “Oh. I’m triggered. My body’s alarm is going off. This is what survival reaction feels like.”
This helps your nervous system shift from fire! to observing, which is the start of regulation.
2. Allow the Physical Discomfort Instead of Trying to Control It
This part sounds simple but is revolutionary.
When you try to clamp down on the sensation — “I shouldn’t feel this” or “Stop it, I don’t have time for this” — your survival system ramps up harder.
When you allow it, even for a minute, your body gets the message:
“There is no fire. Not an emergency.”
"It's ok, my daughter and I are just disagreeing."
Try placing a hand on your chest or abdomen and saying internally:
“This is uncomfortable… and I can handle it.”
“This feeling can move through me.”
"I can tolerate hard emotions; they are FOR me."
Your body will soften just enough to let your thinking brain back online.
3. Validate Your Own Intense Emotions Underneath; What Unmet Need are they pointing me to?
Under every triggered reaction is a very normal, very human emotion and unmet needs.
For me on Thanksgiving, it was:– overwhelmed– pressured– anxious about timing– afraid things wouldn’t turn out “right”. These intense emotions were guiding me to my longing for ease, partnership and appreciation.
Most parents skip this part — but you can’t co-regulate your child’s feelings if you’re denying your own. Especially if you also ignore your own unmet needs. It's important to acknowledge what's going on under the surface; you matter too.
Self-validation sounds like:
“No wonder I’m upset. I’m under a lot of pressure.”
“Of course I’m tense — I care about offering a nice meal.”
“It makes sense that I got attached to MY plan and upset when there was pushback. I get to be human with feelings and needs too.”
This isn’t self-indulgence.It’s self-honesty.
And it’s essential.
4. Get Curious About the Thought or Plan You’re Attached To
Triggers are almost always tied to a story we’re gripping tightly, often without realizing it.
My story was:
“I have a plan for how this day needs to work out.” and “If we stick to the plan, everyone will feel okay and everything will turn out right.”
When you meet yourself, you gently examine the story rather than letting it run you.
Ask yourself:
“What plan am I attached to?”
“What fear or need is underneath that plan?”
“Is the urgency real… or just an emotion that wants to be felt and released?”
You’re not trying to get rid of the plan.You’re just loosening its grip so you can respond instead of react.
5. Offer Yourself the Same Compassion You Wish You Could Offer Your Child
Before you can co-regulate with your child, you have to co-regulate within yourself.
Try saying internally:
“This is a hard moment. I’m allowed to be human.”
“I can take care of me for a minute, and then I’ll take care of her.”
That minute changes everything.
Your nervous system calms.Your brain comes back online.Your capacity returns.
Then your child’s behavior makes sense instead of feeling like a threat.
This Is Why Self-Regulation Isn’t Selfish — It’s a Gift
When you meet, validate, and get curious inside yourself first:
You stop taking your child’s behavior personally
Your tone shifts
Your presence becomes calming instead of reactive
Your child’s nervous system picks up on your steadiness
The conflict de-escalates almost instantly
This is how co-regulation works:
a regulated parent allows the child to regulate.
Not through force.
Not through logic.
Through presence.
After I had stepped away for several minutes to practice my own steps I felt grounded.
I could breathe more deeply and with ease. I had regulated me first. OK. Then I felt able and ready to co-regulate her.
And we repaired. We reconnected. Thanksgiving was saved. (Phew.)
This moment could have derailed our day and left both of us hurt and resentful. Instead, it became a reminder:
our triggers to survive the past don’t need to define our relationships or our holidays.
Below is the same framework I used in that moment—simple, powerful, and life-changing when practiced.
The 5 Steps To Connect Framework
Skills to end conflict permanently, build ease, and create an emotionally healthy home.
Use these when your child’s behavior, tone, or words trigger your stress response.
STEP 1 — MEET your child where they are
Skill:
SEE they are struggling, not attacking you.
Instead of:
– wishing they were different
– telling them how they “should” be
– disapproving or dismissing
– yelling, blaming or shaming
Practice:
Pause. Notice your body. Tolerate the discomfort.This is hard. It’s no one’s fault. Just a complex moment.
STEP 2 — VALIDATE emotions & unmet needs
(Hint: do this for yourself first, too.)
Skill:
VALIDATE before you problem solve
Instead of:
– staying rational-only
– reacting
– explaining or arguing
Practice:
Validate emotions first.
Guess the unmet need.
Remember: emotional energy lasts only 6–90 seconds when not fed by more thoughts.
STEP 3 — GET CURIOUS about the story
Theirs and yours. (Pro tip: It’s not about you.)
Skill:
STOP words until your nervous system is regulated, grounded, safe.
Get curious about why they are struggling, disagreeing, needing to get their way?
Instead of:
– assuming you know their motives
– needing to be right
– blaming
– staying in a power struggle
Practice:
Be open and curious:
What story am I telling myself she should be doing?
Look underneath her words to the hurt, frustration or fear.
Don't take their words literally.
Look for the unmet needs
What story is she telling herself?
STEP 4 — OFFER LifeSaving Listening: no-judgment, no-agenda listening
(Pro tip: also give yourself this with a listening partner.)
Skill:
Deep listening to the feelings and needs under their behavior and words.
Instead of:
– telling
– fixing/helping
– judging
– “should”ing
– giving advice
Practice:
Listen for feelings and needs without talking.
STEP 5 — SET & HOLD boundaries from a grounded place
(And yes—practice this for yourself first.)
Instead of:
– expressing frustration at them
– trying to control
– giving in to their demands and then feeling resentful
Practice:
Work Steps 1–4 until you’re clear and regulated.
Then restate the boundary simply and calmly.
They are usually dysregulated so often cannot comply; it's not willful.
Say what you will do when they go past the boundary.
This is how you interrupt generational patterns.
Not perfectly.
Not all the time.
But moment by moment, breath by breath.
I almost let my stress response hijack Thanksgiving.
Instead, I remembered:
Use the 5 Steps To Connect
And everything else—including pies, butter, and holiday timing—can be figured out from there.
If this resonates, or if you’ve had your own “I almost ruined it” moment recently, know this:
You’re human.
Your triggers are normal.
Call to share what is going on in your family and see if parent coaching may be give you the ease and skills essential for better family interactions.
And with real tools and skills you can learn with parent coaching, you can always melt discord and return to connection.
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