Why Hard Working Parents Struggle When Their Kids Don't Cooperate (and What to Do About It)
- Allison Livingston
- Nov 3
- 5 min read
Updated: Nov 5
If you’re a hard-working parent—juggling responsibilities, managing a household, and trying to keep everyone on track—you might wonder why your kids don’t respond to your clear instructions, routines, or logical explanations. You love them more than anything, yet find yourself yelling, threatening, or withdrawing when they ignore you or melt down. It can feel confusing and painful: How can I handle so much at work and in life, but lose it so easily at home?
You’re not alone.
I know, because I was a hard-working mom just like you. Twenty years ago, I was constantly frustrated and triggered while parenting my own strong-willed daughter. I didn’t understand why all my problem-solving and communication skills weren’t working at home. That journey—of learning, unlearning, and healing—is what inspired me to create the 5 Steps to Connect Program to help other parents find peace and cooperation too.
Many parents find parenting to be their most humbling role. The problem isn’t a lack of love or effort—it’s that our nervous systems get hijacked when we feel out of control, disrespected, or overwhelmed. In those moments, the brain shifts into survival mode. Logic and empathy go offline, and we lose the ability to relate, connect, and guide effectively.
The Hidden Cycle: Why Yelling Becomes the Default
When our kids don’t listen, it triggers frustration and even fear (“Why won’t they just do what they need to?!”). Our bodies tense, hearts race, and voices rise as we try to regain control. The irony? Our kids feel unsafe and dysregulated, too—so they resist even more.This vicious cycle repeats until everyone feels disconnected and exhausted.
The Silent Struggle: Why Parents Resist Asking for Help
Many parents feel embarassed or ashamed to ask for support. You’re used to figuring things out, handling challenges, and being the one others rely on. Admitting that you’re struggling at home can feel like failure—or like you “should already know” how to manage your kids.
But parenting isn’t a skill we’re born with—it’s a relationship that requires new tools, especially when our nervous systems are overloaded. Asking for help isn’t weakness; it’s smart and it's courageous. It’s modeling what we most want our kids to learn: that getting support is how we grow, heal, and thrive.
Regulating Your Nervous System Is Hard Work
Let’s be honest—learning to regulate your nervous system is one of the hardest skills there is. It’s not as simple as “just take a breath.” Because even when you breathe, your mind may still be racing, replaying the argument, or insisting that your child’s behavior is to blame.
When you’ve spent your whole life holding things together, being in charge, and getting results, letting go of those instincts in the middle of kid chaos feels nearly impossible. Your brain is wired to protect you from perceived threats—even if the “threat” is just a child refusing to put on shoes.
That’s why this work can’t be done by willpower alone. It takes practice, guidance, and a trusted coach to help you see your patterns in real time including your blind spots and gently interrupt them. With the right support, you can learn to recenter your body, reclaim your empathy, and respond instead of react.
Parent Coaching Case Study: Lindsey’s Story
When Lindsey came to me, she was heartbroken, confused and angry. Her 13-year-old son in middle school had started drinking, skipping classes, and talking back. He swung between withdrawn and disrespectful to loving and wanting reassurance they were OK, to explosive anger. Lindsey herself had a fiery temper and was navigating an intense and painful separation from his dad—who also struggled with anger.
She loved her son fiercely, but too often she didn’t know how to set a boundary with him without it turning into a shouting match. Through our coaching sessions, Lindsey began to learn the emotional regulation skills she’d never been taught: how to pause, pay attention to the tension in her body, and notice her own rising stress level before she ended up reacting at him. She practiced listening without judgment, validating her son’s pain, and staying connected even when he was rude or distant.
It wasn’t easy—but over time, her centeredness became his anchor. He started opening up more. He was willing to check out the local youth center for substance abuse. The tension in their home eased. Lindsey learned that when she regulated herself, she could help her son co-regulate too. Best of all, now she models the very skills that will support him navigate his own life challenges.
The 5 Steps to Connect
That’s exactly what I teach in my 5 Steps to Connect Program, designed especially for busy, high-performing Moms and Dads who want cooperation without constant conflict.
Meet Your Dysregulated Self Notice when you’re triggered and meet yourself with compassion, not judgment. Reconnect with your body to interrupt the survival cycle.
Validate Emotions—Yours and Theirs Every behavior is communication. Learn to name and validate emotions while identifying the unmet needs beneath them.
Get Curious About Your Story What’s the interpretation you’re making up? Often, it’s a story rooted in blame, fear, or frustration. Curiosity opens the door to understanding.
Offer Life-Saving Listening Deep, nonjudgmental listening creates emotional safety. It’s what your child needs most—and what you deserve, too.
Speak Your Boundary from Regulation When you set limits from a centered, connected state, your child feels seen, heard, and respected—while also understanding what’s expected.
Parenting doesn’t have to feel like a battle of wills. You can guide your kids with love and clarity once you learn to lead from Self-connection rather than control.
If this resonates, consider giving yourself the same support you give everyone else. Engage with Allison Livingston and the 5 Steps to Connect Program to learn practical, neuroscience-based tools to create the family harmony you’ve been working so hard for.
Because when you learn the skills to understand and regulate your own nervous system, your entire family benefits.
For more on what to do when you are triggered by your kids, Listen to this Podcast here!
TESTIMONIAL
"I started working with Allison because my 9yo daughter was extreme and intense. She'd throw a loud fit when she didn't get her way and resist any idea that wasn't hers. It was exhausting and upset the whole family. I needed help, even though I felt ashamed that I did, so put it off for years which I now regret.
Once I learned the skills in the 5 Steps To Connect program, her behavior was so much better. It's been a huge relief for all of us.
The key for me was learning how to regulate my own nervous system in the face of her intensity. It took me a long time to see that she wasn't doing it TO ME (how it felt), but that she was struggling and needing a safe place to regulate her own hard feelings.
The skills Allison coached me on helped me tolerate her BIG storm of emotion more easily and without taking it personally. It took a long time, but I finally could see her as the hurting puppy she was.
Those intense, angry moments were traumatizing for both of us. We both wanted to reconnect, we just didn't know how. Now my daughter asks for LifeSaving Listening after her emotional storm passes.
I am so grateful for Allison's parent coaching support."
~Mary, Mom of 7yo and 9yo daughters in Berkeley, CA
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