Why Don't We Get Along? (and what to do about it)

Ever felt like you were stuck in the same pattern endlessly arguing with your child/teen?

Does it seem like you just don’t get each other and are constantly at odds?

Want to know why this is such a common occurrence in most families? Even more, are you dying to find out how to get out of this awful cycle of telling-yelling frustration?

How can your family create ease and cooperation for the basics like getting out the door on time, homework done and chores completed without nagging?

I’ve taken some time this winter, coaching families in conflict, to consider this important question.

Parents come to me struggling with their child/teen’s behavior: back talking, eye rolling, ignoring, hitting, resisting, refusing homework/school, yelling, not cooperating, lying...or feeling anxious, scared and alone. Unfortunately often how they instinctively react seems to just make it worse.

The problem I've observed is one of two issues:

1. Either they don't know how to set and hold clear boundaries from a grounded, self regulated place vs. a triggered, frustrated, blaming place. 

2. Or they don’t know how to relate with their child/teen's intense feelings, especially when their behavior is so terrible, that they end up taking it personally and react back AT them.

Often parents have been taught that they need to stop bad behavior and teach respect. To not let them get away with things like ignoring them, resisting doing homework, refusing to get of devices or lying.

This is both absolutely true, AND two things can be true at once. Stopping bad behavior IS a crucial step, setting a boundary is essential.  However, most of us, pushed past our limit, can't help but draw a line from reactive blaming frustrated energy. This intensifies an already dysregulated struggling child/teen to feel even less understood, less validated so the interaction gets worse.

The parents I coach know how to recognize when they are about to lose it AT their child/teen and instead to take a break in this heated moment. They have tools to use and skills to practice regulating their own nervous system.

When you don't take a break to recognize you are stressed and in survival-brain, all this intensity and frustration leads most parents to also miss the next important step. 

The second step and skill most parents miss is being able to accompany their child/teen’s uncomfortable feelings that are motivating the bad behavior. And when a child/teen doesn’t feel seen, doesn’t feel like their emotions are validated and received, they have an incredibly hard time shifting their behavior.

Does this make sense?

Did your parents know how to receive and validate your intense emotions when you were a child/teen? (do you wish they could have?)

It’s one of the foundations of being able to self regulate; a cornerstone of the 5 steps to connect program I use to coach skills that improve family interactions.

Is this how you’re interacting now? How is it working for you and your child/teen?

Are you able to model the emotional regulation skills they’ll need to be successful in their own lives and relationships?

If this question hits a place in your heart that longs for more ease, please reach out to me today.

What could you do to invest in your family so that your interactions don’t feel like a battleground?

I can point you towards resources so you can develop these skills on your own. Or we can set up a free Zoom session to see if coaching skills would benefit your family. 

TESTIMONIAL

"I'm so glad I came to your workshop! Two days later my daughter had a challenging situation with her friends at school. She was upset. Normally I would have given her advice and I wanted to jump in and help her resolve it.

Instead I was able to use Life-Saving Listening and it worked! She opened up and felt so empowered being able to talk it through and resolve it herself. I was surprised to see how much her pain stimulated my own triggers. It was hard, but I didn't speak or act from them.

If I hadn't had your tools, I wouldn't have been able to interrupt my own habits and have it work out so well."   

~Jane, Teacher and Mom of 3 

TESTIMONIAL

"I started working with Allison because my 9yo daughter was extreme and intense. She'd throw a loud fit when she didn't get her way and resist any idea that wasn't hers. It was exhausting and upset the whole family. I needed help, even though I felt ashamed that I did, so put it off for years which I now regret.

 

Once I learned the skills in the 5 Steps To Connect program, her behavior was so much better. It's been a huge relief for all of us.

 

The key for me was learning how to regulate my own nervous system in the face of her intensity. It took me a long time to see that she wasn't doing it TO ME (how it felt), but that she was struggling and needing a safe place to regulate her own hard feelings.

 

The skills Allison coached me on helped me tolerate her BIG storm of emotion more easily and without taking it personally. It took a long time, but I finally could see her as the hurting puppy she was.

 

Those intense, angry moments were traumatizing for both of us. We both wanted to reconnect, we just didn't know how. Now my daughter asks for LifeSaving Listening after her emotional storm passes.

 

I am so grateful for Allison's parent coaching support."

~Mary, Mom of 7yo and 9yo daughter in Berkeley, CA ​

Yes, I want more information to bring these skills and ease to my family