School is out and summer is here!

 

For most, school has ended which means new schedules, changes in routines, childcare challenges for many, and more times with kids.

This can be an exciting, fun time with sleep ins, less scheduled time, extra family hours and trips or camps.

It can also turn into a nightmare for parents to try and occupy hours and hours of kid's time with enriching things, or really anything but more screen time so you can do what you need to do.

With pre-teens/teens who you have higher expectations for, this 'how are they spending their summer hours' can be even more triggering. Especially when they spend hours in their room on screens or sleeping the day away, your brain probably tells you awful stories about how they are ruining their lives or what a terrible parent you must be.

I know for me it usually started out exciting and ended up with lots of arguing. By July-August I was counting the days down for them to go back and I could get my work-life balance back as well as stop the draining conflict.

Pro Tips for a Fabulous Summer 

Here are 3 Pro Tips from my 10 years of Parent Coaching and 25 years of parenting for a fabulous summer with kids/teens.

Pro Tip #1: Don't label their behavior 'bad' or 'lazy'. When you tell yourself a negative story it stops any chance of relating and gets you stuck in the judgement-defensive dance. You end up in a conflict no one wants.

It also doesn't give you each permission to feel whatever you feel about the changes and new routines. Judging their behavior with labels distracts you all from experiencing your own feelings about this transition. One kid may be dismayed he won't have easy access to his friends. Another may be euphoric they don't have to get up so early and have slower days. Yet another may be scared to try the new camp where she may not know anyone. You may feel overwhelmed finding valuable activities for them and taking their reactions personally. No one wins.

Instead, notice your own stories that cause you to react so you can listen below their words for their feelings.

Pro Tip #2: Guard 15-30 extra minutes each day to make room for the Feeling Factor. I had to learn this the hard way: whatever I had planned that day, like going on a hike, there needed to be time for them to feel. Otherwise, in the name of 'keeping to the plan or us on time', I'd try to talk them out of feeling angry, irritated or anxious. But this would trigger them more so they'd argue worse, resist louder. One would yell, 'No! You can't make me!' Another would sulk,'Ugh, that sounds horrible!' I'd yell back, 'I've gone to a lot of trouble to set this up. Stop complaining, you'll love it. Don't use that tone with me! Stop resisting and cooperate for once.'

Once I learned these steps after getting parent coaching, once I could step back, I realized why my old habits made their reactions worse not better. I wasn't actually hearing them, I was unintentionally invalidating their feelings. No wonder they felt they had to keep arguing!?!

Humans are biologically designed to feel as a way to receive information about met or unmet needs/values. To point you to what matters. When you rush through your day and skip the time to experience emotions, you break this beautifully designed system.

What parents and caregivers miss is making time for the Feeling Factor. Validating what you and your child are feeling, before you problem solve together. It's like magic. (I'll talk about what most parents miss that can make this harder next Newsletter)

Instead, notice your habit of problem solving feelings away so you can S.T.O.P. to Connect with their feelings, then they aren't alone in them (and neither are you).

Pro Tip #3: Pay attention to what is working. Notice 3 things that do go right each day, especially the during the first 21 day of summer. For Example,

1. An unexpected opportunity to spend 1:1 time together

2. When your kids are interacting well together well, not just when they argue

3. Acknowledge your teen for what they do take action on and interest in

Our brain's survival part, the limbic system, is programed to watch for danger, problems. Because of this 'negative bias' that you may have heard of, we can get in a habit of only seeing what isn't working, what's wrong, what they are doing that is a problem.

Instead, notice your 'negative bias' so you can spot what does go well each day, things you are grateful for.