“Why Can’t She Just Be Ready?”

The other day a Mom I coach shared with me her morning struggle. Her 9-year-old daughter has carpool every morning, and without fail, the same thing happens:

She gives her daughter the 5-minute warning. “Kate, they’ll be here in five minutes. Be ready to walk out the door.”  The car pulls up. Everyone else is waiting. And Kate? She’s racing around grabbing her backpack, listening to music while shoving things in, still looking for her shoes.

The Mom told me, “It doesn’t matter how many times this happens—she just doesn’t connect the pieces. And then she wonders why people are mad at her! I want to scream, ‘No one is going to want you in their carpool if you’re always late!’ But I bite my tongue. I’ve tried checklists, timers, pep talks—nothing works.”

Sound familiar?

I think every parent has had that moment of Why can’t my kid just do what they’re supposed to do?  We feel the pressure of time, of other people waiting, of looking like we don’t have our act together. And our frustration builds.

I’ll be honest—when I’m in that moment, I can feel my body tense up. My heart races. My brain is shouting: She should know better by now! She’s being inconsiderate! This is so embarrassing!

That’s the tricky part. Our kids’ behavior often flips a switch in us. Suddenly it’s not just about being late—it’s about respect, responsibility, and our own sense of competence as parents.

But here’s the thing: our kids aren’t wired like adults. Nine-year-olds don’t yet have the time awareness or executive functioning skills we think they “should.” They aren’t ignoring us to be rude—they’re just still developing. And that means their brain really can’t connect all the dots yet, especially if they have neurodiversity like ADHD.

"If you kid could do better, they would do better." ~Ross Greene

What helps more than timers or lectures is… us. Not the “perfect” version of us, but the self-regulated, connected version. The version that can take a breath and say, “Okay, this is hard for her—and it’s hard for me too.”

Then, later—when no one’s waiting in the driveway—we can circle back: “Hey, mornings have been rough. What might help you feel ready before the car gets here?”  Sometimes they surprise us with their own ideas.

I reminded this mom (and myself in the process): yelling won’t teach responsibility. It’ll just make mornings more stressful. But modeling self-regulation, naming the struggle, managing expectations and working together? That builds the skill over time.

Recap to Shifting the Approach: The 5 Steps to Connect Parent Coaching Way

Instead of doubling down on reminders or should's (which rarely helps), try these skills:

1. MEET them where they are. S.T.O.P. to see your child is struggling; they aren't doing it TO you. See them as the hurt puppy they are, not the attacking wolf your triggered thoughts are making them out to be.

   1. MEET yourself where you are. Pause and Breathe deeply and slowly. Before engaging, notice your rising frustration. Taking even one deep breath helps your nervous system relax so you can co-regulate rather than react.

2. VALIDATE first. Instead of launching into “you’re holding everyone up,” try: “It looks like mornings feel really rushed and stressful for you.” Kids are more likely to listen when they feel understood.

3. Get CURIOUS about your story. After they leave, ask yourself, "I wonder what my thoughts or judgements are about their behavior? Did they push away or support our connection and growth? To be clear: this isn't to shame or guilt yourself! You are a good, caring parent doing your best. You are enough. Rather to untangle this dynamic and empower yourself to show up with curiosity next time.

4. Collaborate later with LifeSaving LISTENING. After school or the intensity of the moment has passed, revisit the issue:“Carpool mornings are tough. What ideas do you have to help us be ready when the car arrives?” Kids often come up with creative solutions when they’re not feeling blamed.

5. SET BOUNDARIES to model what is needed. In the heat of the moment when they are unable to do what is needed, step in and let them know what you will do. Get the backpack, lunch and shoes and help her walk to the car. Modeling the behavior you want to see is not enabling, it is teamwork. Then with the ideas above from listening, practice when no time pressure so they can feel successful.

Language You Can Try in the Moment

Here are a few phrases that shift you from lecturing to connecting:

• Instead of: “Why aren’t you ready? We’re late again!” 

  • Try: “Looks like mornings feel hard to get through. Want a quick hand right now?”

• Instead of: “You’re making everyone wait on you!” 

  • Try: “The car’s outside, and you’re still gathering things. Let’s do this together one step at a time to finish.”

• Instead of: “If you keep this up, no one will want you in the carpool.” 

  • Try: “Being on time helps everyone feel good. Let’s talk later about what would make mornings smoother and easier for you. I believe in you, we're on the same team”

Even small shifts in language can lower the tension in the moment and keep the relationship strong while you work on the bigger skill-building together.

Few parents intuitively know how to self-regulate when in complex moments like these.

Do you want more ideas to build skills and support yourself and your kids? Schedule your FREE Insight coaching call today. What do you have to lose? 100's of parents like you have said, "I have never regretted learning these empowering skills!"

Mom able to co-regulate with her daughter